Ugh... I can't believe she's 6 months already... next thing I know, she'll be in pre-school... she's growing too fast

I MY BEEBEE

WHAT, like beef?

NAH, False Crack!

That's my girl!!

This is sad.  I am home, watching SOAP OPERAS and realizing that it is too easy to catch up with old characters and get hooked into the story lines again.  Sheesh, next thing you know I'll be fixing up my hair & putting on makeup (just to stay home) and have a never ending supply of bon-bons. 

I think I'm going to go back to work in March.  Sounds like a long time, but it's actually just a little over 5 weeks off.  I'm just torn though... I will miss too much while I am off at work.  I will probably miss her first smile and first "coo." She now recognizes my voice and turns her head in my direction if I'm not the one holding her. She can see a little too and stares intently at things. At the same time, all I'm doing is flattening my newly found ass by sitting on it. There are few opportunities but not as much as I had thought I would have.  Her room's wall remain plain and bare - the decorative borders (and maybe a mural) I had planned on painting are still missing.  The birth announcements I had planned on designing and printing are untouched (my image & photo software are on my desktop upstairs and not on this laptop) and so forth and so forth. 

Mostly, I've been thinking (too much) about other stuff on this hiatus... some melancholy, often reflective, some very heartwarming but all highly emotional.  I'll blame it on the pregnancy postpartum hormones. 

I've been called distant and sometimes indifferent when it comes to relationships.  Who can blame me? There have been too many times where the interest guy only wanted me for sex.  No, there was always emotions involved - it was never just another relationship to me.  If that were true, then I would never ask will it ever...?  It just sucks to have a heart to protect and I have been known sabotage things before it has a chance to break.

I often question TR's love for me.  Just ask LO, JR or PV how many times I've tried breaking up with him on account of me doubting his feelings.  I guess I'm starting to realize more and more that he does love me, especially when I read on his post on when they told him that he couldn't go back with me as they rushed me away to the OR...  When I talked to him about it, he said to look up the last verse to a country song... 

I finally caught the video for "Don't Take The Girl."

Fucking Tim McGraw. 

Great. Now I'm crying again.

I'm in an odd place.

I'm at the end of Week 2 of my maternity leave.  I've gotten myself down to 2 painkillers a day (as opposed to a one every 8 hours and the other every 4) but I'm still not up to going to work... nor do I want to... yet. 

I'm dreading the day I have to go back.  I just can't imagine being away from her for a moment but I have to - the sooner, the better.  Gots bills to pay.  I kinda want to go back to work too. I'm restless!  I'm moving around and stuff but I'm still limited as to what I can get accomplished because I've got one arm around my lil one - and her naps times are my nap times too .  How do other mothers do it? Or am I impatient and should be RELAXING and RECOVERING instead of trying to get back into the swing of things so soon? I know people who went back to work only after a couple days off.

I guess it's also the fact that literally I'm stuck at home too.  I'm not sure if it's Filipino belief, but mom says I shouldn't take BeeBee anywhere until she is a month old - unless it's to her doctor appointments or other necessary outings. I'm not arguing with her, the less exposed she is, the less likely she'll get sick so early in her life... which is kind of a good thing for me because, trust me, she's still so new to me and I'm a worry wart for her already.  I took her temperature all beuase she coughed, sneezed more than 3 times, and spat up even after I burped her yesterday.   

Her Uncle Jason and Auntie Johanna visited from Vegas on Monday

and took these pictures...

Ro suggested I make a separate webpage for her so I can post pictures for my co-workers to see without compromising my privacy.  I think it's a good idea.  I think I might skip a nap one day and get started on it... that should keep me pre-occupied and not restless for a while. But after I catch my Zzz's. G'night!

She's finally here...all 7 lbs and 12.5 oz of her...

I was beginning to wonder if she was ever going to come out.  Her due date came and went and no baby so we decided to induce.  I was to go in on Jan 31 and deliver on Feb. 1st.  I should have known that I never had anything in the say...

Sure enough, I felt my first "real" contraction around 1 am on Jan 29.  By 3 am, I realized it was the real deal and arrived at the hospital where the nurse said, "Oh, yeah we're admitting you alright..."  My contractions were only a minute apart by then. 

I arrived at my room and got situated when this monster contraction hit me about 5 am.  Immediately after, I started shivering violently and a few minutes later the nurse hurried over. She checked my cervix and started feeling for the baby... whose heart rate had dropped alarmingly low.  The nurse hurried even more when she found bright red blood.  Next thing I knew, I was being wheeled to be prepped for an emergency C-Section.  They wouldn't let TR go back with me and I found out later thst he was just a mess with worry - he thought he was going to lose both his girls.

Back in the prep room, they gave me stuff to stop my contractions and put me under a warm blanket but I still couldn't stop shaking. An hour later, the doctor came in and assessed the situation.  He wasn't sure what happened but all seemed good and he said it was good to go ahead and nix the Cesaerean.  They gave me an epidural and sent me back to the delivery room.

Turns out,  within that last contraction, the bleeding was due to my cervix.  I had dialated from 4 to 8 cm in a half hour! (normally I should have been dialating 1cm every hour)  My body had gone into shock and baby didn't like it at all, either because of the shock or because her cord had compressed during the contraction. 

Back in my room, my shivers subsided a little and finally altoether when I fell asleep.  They let me sleep and recover for several hours before increasing the contractions.  At 1:30 pm they checked my progress and I finally was almost at 10cm, they woke me up and had me start pushing.   A half hour later, BeeBee was born...

Yup, she looks just like me.  KGirl, Jr. as several of my friends predictably dubbed her.  She looks less like me when she opens her eyes though. See? 

Sorry, I haven't updated til now but aside from being drugged out on painkillers and sleeping, I've been tending to my lil kung fu fighter.  I could've stay another night  in the hospital and they recommended that I do but said I could leave early.  In retrospect I should've but oh well, I'll have to climb stairs sooner or later... anyway, it'll be a while before I update again.  The nurse that pushed me out on the wheelchair said, "We'll see you again in 12 months?"  I groggily shot her the evil eye.

I'd like to say I'd do this again and the feeling I got when I first saw her (especially after the scare) was definitely the most wonderful feeling in the world and yes, Scorpi, every moment I spend with her is just awesome, but the physical pain I'm in right now is making me think twice... but yes, believe or not. a 7 lbs, 12.5 oz., 20 in. long baby came out of my lil 5'1" frame.  All that - was ALL her.

I’m done.

I’ve had it with being pregnant.

I’m frustrated with my still growing belly.  I’m frustrated at being short of breath just lying down (I can only lay on my side). I’m frustrated with not knowing when she is coming  - which they say can be “any day now” I’ve got 12 days left. I’ve got less than two whole weeks. UGH! The waiting is killing me!!!! So close and yet so far… My doc says I can induce anytime after the 18th. I guess it would be nice to know WHEN exactly she’ll be here if I pick a date – especially for a control freak like me but where’s the fun in that??

I’m so frustrated!!!!  I've already got my hospital bag packed, her bag packed, the car seat hooked up, her clothes washed and folded... I just need her to get here.  Her room is pretty much painted and done but I still don’t have a particular theme. I’ve been opting for a Hawaiian theme with these photos by Wyland

But I’m not sure if that’s too “grown up” for a baby’s nursery.   On the other hand, it’d be nice not to have to transition it from a “nursery” to a kid's room if I do it that way... Decisions… Decisions… Some people have been saying Lilo & Stitch but I can't find anything.  I suppose I COULD go to the Disney Store and see if they have anything there.

Other than that, I've been having a hard time emotionally.  I'm excited - as you can see - but at the same time, I'm scared shitless.  I've been having issues with what my body will be like after I give birth. Despite my complaints, I kinda liked my flat asian ass, my somewhat flat tummy and my just a handful of boobs. but I have no idea what they will be like after I give birth.  But mostly, I've been having a hard time with TR and the "instant family" and have more than once wanted no part of him/them.  I'll be up to my eyeballs taking care of a newborn and I'll also have to be a babysitter for kids who aren't even mine?  Also, although I haven't really been missing the party life I do have a wake-up call every now and then when I think about how everyone is still going out and I'll be home with baby... I often wonder what kind of mess I got myself into.  I don't regret my decision to keep her, I just wonder if I'm ready for it - if I made the right choice... whether or not I'll be a good mommie to her or not. 

And that's just a few things on my mind....

And its not over... it's only just begun.

A belated Mele Kalikimaka and Happy 2006 to everyone!

I hit my nine month marker on Saturday.  She still insists on moving as enthusiastically as she did all this time despite what the little ticker at the top of my page says ("I'm so big I can hardly move!"  hah, yeah right. Someone forgot to inform her)

A pic for my sis... who isn't a xangan and uses crappy myspace.com (I hate that freeking place but everyone is one there so now I gotta update TWO places).. here I am at 9 mos.  And no, I didn't die my hair burgundy, it's my towel. 

Took mom out form breakfast/brunch at Mimi's.  Must've been a sight... TR moving slowly towards the resturant supporting mom  one of his arms and me waddling on the other.  Actually I've perfected the waddling  I still shock a lot of people when I tell them how far along I am.  It's only when she decides to sit heavily on my bladder that I let it slip.

I spent yesterday "nesting" as it's called.  I went shopping for the remainder of things I need for the nursery.  We spent TWO hours in Target alone and I had to sit down 5 times to rest.  Everytime I got out of bed last night, my back and ass creaked like and old withered tree. I hand it to all those ladies who were working out and playing sports until their ninth month.  I get out of breath just standing and hooking up PCs at work.  But yes, my ass hurts.... does that mean I'm building up my barely-there-derriere?  "Does my ass look bigger?"

A couple friends from work are throwing my shower AT work tomorrow.  I am trying not to get too excited. Why?  Well, because I don't want to be disappointed again.  I was looking forward to my ultrasound yesterday.  I was going to get a free 3D picture of my kung fu fighter and see what she looks like.. except, I was too far along.  A whole 4 weeks too far.  I was so upset I had to cry when I left the doctor's office.  I COULD'VE gone back to work but I was too upset. It fit the day just perfectly.  Nothing was going right.

Yep, my lil brat had settled her head near the bottom of my belly (feet up near my ribs) and was on her back like her mommy on the table.  Anyway, because she was near the bottom, the smallest part of my uterus (sounds gross huh?), there was not enough room to clearly see her features as her head was surrounded completely by the walls of my womb.  The ultrasound technician tried to get her to move by poking and jabbing my belly but she was stubborn and was content amongst her pillows.   I was mad because they SCHEDULED it.  If I was supposed to have it 4 weeks earlier, why didn't they schedule me then??  It didn't help that the holidays cut into the available appointment times and I even had to re-schedule it because the UT was out on the day I was scheduled.  I felt cheated.

TR was a doll and tried to make me feel better.  He finally made me smile when he pulled in front of me (we went in separate cars since I was coming from work) and stuck his notebook out the window.  He had written "I U"  It's the small stuff, you know?